It’s confession time.
Lately I’ve really been struggling. I see family and friends getting engaged or married, having babies, traveling, starting businesses, and living (really living) their lives, and I have become resentful of the fact that I’m at home with my grandmother especially because it seems like she doesn’t even appreciate it.
I sat in my attorney’s office earlier this week because I’m filing for bankruptcy, and I had to list out my property and my financial assets. I don’t have any. There is no cash in my pocket. There is no checking account. There is no savings account. I only have one piece of furniture that I bought for myself and a lot of books, and those things are not worth anything to anyone but me. My vehicle is sitting at my cousin’s house because I lent it to him, and now I don’t know when I will get it back because it is not even running.
And lately it has begun to feel like all of those blessings that God has promised are going to everyone but me so I have allowed myself to become angry and resentful.
Notice that I say “allowed myself.” Some people would say that you can’t choose how you feel, and you can’t choose that first initial feeling. But you can choose what you do with it. You can choose to wallow in it, or you can choose to let it go and move on to a more positive emotion.
I unfortunately have been choosing to wallow in my anger and resentfulness. I have been choosing to feel sorry for myself, and I have been refusing to see the good in my life. I have been feeling entitled to things that aren’t mine and have been feeling like I’m owed something by others for what I have been doing for them. I have been feeling like I’m being taken advantage of and like they think that I don’t matter.
And because of all of that lately when I sit down to write for this blog I feel like a fraud. I feel like a hypocrite.
My word for the year was saturated because I wanted to be saturated in Christ. My verse for the year was “Nothing is impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37). And right now I am so far from seeing both of these in my life because of the sin that I have been living in.
You see, in my anger and resentment toward my friends and my family and ultimately toward God I have been choosing to do things that I know better than to do. I have been hurtful toward others in my actions and words (or at least my tone and attitude).
And now I’m broken and I’m ashamed. I have gone to the Lord with what I have done. I am confessing to you that I have sinned, and now I need to confess to the people that I have hurt and make amends. I’m praying that the Lord will show me how to best make amends.
So why am I sharing all of this with you all?
1) I need your forgiveness too because I have been living with this struggle I have not been doing my job correctly as a blogger. I have not been open and I have not been consistent in doing what I need to do. I have not been giving this blog the focus that I need to be giving it and have not been learning to be the best blogger that I can be.
2) I need your help. In order to make amends to my friends and family, I need to find a way to raise or make some money. Do you all have any ideas?