I know that it seems that I have fallen off of the planet. It has been several weeks since I have written to you, and for that I apologize. I also thank you for being patient during this time.
In one of my last posts to you, I wrote that I thought that I had spring fever, but the truth is I’ve been struggling with depression for the last several weeks. For the first couple of weeks after my last post, I barely got out of bed. I felt tired, defeated, and guilty and like the biggest hypocrite on earth. Who was I to write about following your dreams and making things happen when I am struggling to even get out of bed in the mornings? Who was I to write about living successfully as a single woman?
I have been dissatisfied with my life since January, but I have been even more dissatisfied with myself. The more I wrote the more dissatisfied I became so I stopped writing. I felt like I didn’t have anything worth sharing that people would want to hear. My thoughts were very negative and hard on myself. I have felt forgotten, unwanted, and unloved. I wanted to be the person who I was writing about. I wanted to be strong in my faith and believe in myself, but even opening my Bible and trying to find encouragement felt like heaping burning coals of guilt on my head.
Added to this, my dad has been studying end times prophecy for over a year now and when we talk it is almost always about the end times and what is happening in the world that points to things being the start of those times. And while I believe that we need to be aware of these things, it can be depressing when that is all your conversation revolves around.
Then we found out that one of my uncles has cancer. He has throat cancer, and his chances of successfully beating it are very good. But with chemo and radiation he has been tired and sick. He is the son of my grandmother who I take care of, and her worry over his health has caused some decline in her mental and emotional health. He is also my youngest uncle. He is only 12 years older than me so out of all of my uncles he is probably the one that I’m closest with although that closeness has waned a lot in the last few years.
But with his diagnosis and then watching a couple of dramas where the main female lead was diagnosed with cancer and told she only had six months to live, I started questioning myself. I started asking myself, “If I were told that I had only six months to live, how would my life be different? What if it was one month? One week? One day?”
Then I started remembering this quote that is hanging on the dining room wall:
And I started asking myself, “Is this really what I want my life to look like when Jesus comes? How would my life change? What would I change if I knew for certain that Christ would be coming back on a specific day and time? Would I continue to live in this depressive state of wondering what the point is in even trying, or would I want to live doing what I can today so that when Jesus comes I can say that I gave Him my best?”
And slowly, I have started climbing out of my pit. I have been taking it one day at a time, watching shows that make me laugh and smile and even cry, playing music that is upbeat and positive, using essential oils and aromatherapy to naturally balance and lift my mood, cleaning the house again, finding a routine, and finishing some projects that I started. And now I finally feel ready to start writing again.
I can’t promise you consistency right now, but hopefully by June I will be back to posting regularly.
Thank you all for reading and for your patience.